stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
