I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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