mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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