Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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