I hate your face
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
ttyl tear gas
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
