remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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