I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
