I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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