so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
