She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
