My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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