some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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