I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
lol hangovers are for mortals.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
