Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
