I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
