We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
