This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
