I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
