The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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