Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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