Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
