I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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