omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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