Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
