he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
