What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
