i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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