anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
