Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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