I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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