dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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