if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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