when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize