And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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