apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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