So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
