Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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