I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
