I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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