i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
as a side note pls kill me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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