Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
