I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
