My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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