I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I faked an abortion last night.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
