A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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