The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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