Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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