Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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