I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
