i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
