from now on my penis is your penis
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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