I think I died a long time ago.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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