so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize