if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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