i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
