I look better un-naked...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
