On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
